Phat News

I don't know what has to happen to turn "fat" into "phat"... but apparently it happened and that's the kind of news I have for all y'all.  Remember when I said I was planning on going on a mission?  It's ok if you don't, I love having a broken heart.  They're the best!  *sarcasm...*  Well here's my news!!  I GOT CALLED TO GUATEMALA!  Anybody who's anybody already knew that, but it's not official until it makes it onto at least one blog.  That's what they all say, anyway.

I'm beyond excited!  I get to leave May 15 to the Guatemala MTC.  Imma be fluent in Spanish, yo!  Another fun fact:  one of my friends went to the exact mission I've been called to!  So I get an inside scoop before I even leave the country!

Ummm.... That's all the news I have for you... so it's turned into story time from here on out.  Hope that's kosher...


Now now now.... Think back to 100 years ago when this happened.  The guy from that story, well call him Lohan, is basically my neighbor!  He found out that the girl he stole an iPod from lived real close so him and his roommate.... Frankfurt, came to visit!  Creepy?  Just a little.. they have showed up several times since then.  Just thought you guys would like to know the latest update about that whole ordeal.  But that's pretty much it...


Next item of business:  have you ever experienced a winter in Northern Utah?  I'm assuming that's a phat yes.  So you know how butt cold it can get.  And how much snow that accumulates.... a couple weeks ago it was -16°.  -16°.  We're talking frozen nose hairs, people!  Eyeballs freezing open.. Thighs turning into ice even when walking.  This is some sketchy stuff!  It's even more terrible when it gets to be 7° and you think, "wow!  I only need a sweater today!"  And then it hits 25° and everyone starts stripping off layers like there's no tomorrow!  Not even kidding, I walked outside the other day and thought it was ok to wear flip flops.  My excuse?  "Well, it IS February."

Last week I was heading far far away on Judea's plain and I had to stop home to pick up my madre... We had to quickly rearrange the cars in the driveways and she specifically said, "don't put Aunt Clara in that other driveway.  It hasn't been shoveled yet."  Was I listening?  Kind of... Was I listening enough to follow her instructions?  Not a chance.  The last thought that went through my mind as I was headed right into a TON of snow was, "If I can generate just enough speed..."  Well heck!  Not even Aunt Clara who is a champ could make it through that!  I got stuck stuck stuck!  That's when this conversation went down...

Me- "Mom, it's ok, everyone needs to get stuck at least once in a winter."

My mom- "Right now though?  We're in a hurry!"

Me- "Mother, it never happens at a convenient time, silly!"

I still stand behind that one.  If it was convenient, it wouldn't be called, "getting stuck".  It would be called, "parking the car in less than ideal conditions and maybe it can't move right now".

Moral of the story is this:  We grabbed shovels and handled the situation like a boss.  Who says a couple of girls can't handle disasters?!  Together, my mother and I have done some pretty impressive things.  

Last story:  My brothers are way too cute for their own good.  They are so so so sweet (most of the time..).  I had to leave to head back to college last week and they went outside and started pelting Aunt Clara with snowballs saying, "if we pelt her car hard enough, she can't leave!" So we had a snowball fight!  We had another one three days ago and this time they went in with a battle plan... One knocked me over and the other started shoveling on snow.  In  the end, I was straight up buried.  I'm actually still stuck in the snow right now!  It's more like an igloo.  JOKE!  I can't believe you actually thought I was still in the snow!  I would be dead!  Man, sometimes my jokes are just too good..... 

We Be Creepin'

So remember when I said college made me creepy?  Of course you don't!  That was pretty much 7 years ago!  But heck, it's been confirmed.  I AM CREEPY!  Technically, so is my roommate.  But she didn't start out that way!  I've created a monster.

Anywho, we recently acquired some laser guns... (by acquired I mean we stole them... from some friends (hey friends, consider this a shout out to you)) And lately we've been shining them out our window!  Last night there were masses of people walking past after the game so we had some fun shining them on the ground in front of them and watching everyone marvel at the lights like cats.

Tonight on the other hand.... We went to the next level.  We shined them into the apartments across the street.  Turns out they were able to see the lights!  So we had a lot of fun with that!  Like, A LOT of fun.  They kept looking out their windows looking for the creeps that were disturbing them.  They even gave us a good show!  They would stand and hug (we think...) in front of the window, shine a phone outside... wave... the usual.

At first we sincerely worried they were trying to tell us they were calling the cops.  Naturally, we had a battle plan.  We were going to plant the lasers in the apartment they belong to and then run.  Really really fast.  Away.  To Idaho probably.  We gave up on the apartment across the street because they had had enough, right?! Well, wrong.  They apparently didn't.

A couple guys who were up to no good, started makin' trouble in my neighborhood!  ...joke!... But really, a couple guys came walking along and we figured they were just average Joes taking a walk.  So we shined the light in front of them to give 'em a good scare like always.. Only this time they came up to our door and knocked!  Seriously guys, this really happened!  Sara and I busted up the stairs and our other roommate opened the door.. AND SHE LET THEM IN!  Gah!  Scariest moment of our lives.  We had to face up to what we had done.  We also got to meet our neighbors!  But we proved faithful to our old ways and awkwarded them away.

In the end it was both the best and worst day of my life.

Tis The Season

I'm dreaming of an incredibly green Christmas.  Not because I want to, but because it's actually really green outside!  So I figured why not just embrace it.  Anywho, it's story time.  Abby and I went and got a tree!  A real live tree.  It's a beaut.

We even used a Celestial Ball of Glory!  Some people like to use stars or angels.  But we figured, nah, that's so main stream.  Heck, we're young, hip, probably even cool people!  We should set a new trend.  Hence the massive ball.

Naturally, Abby got stuck in all the lights (typical white girl...), she's always doing things like that.  She also runs into plants at stores... we're trying to help her, we really are.  

Now, onto the BIG news.  Abby and I got engaged last night!  Look at us go.  It all happened like this:

After spending a solid night making boats we decided to race them, that's where we were so romantically proposed to, it went a little something like this..

Jeff- "Hey wanna get married?" 

Me- "Sure, how about tomorrow?"

Jeff- "Ok, how does 11 sound?"

Abby- "I have to leave at 9!"

Jeff- "Then 8:45 it is"

Matt- "Let's have a double wedding!"

Abby- "Yeah, ok!"

Cute, huh!  The best part happened when we got back to the apartment and started watching The Fox and The Hound and we found out that our "friends" had gone outside and written on a certain car.... my car....

Awesome right?!  Our night had taken a very weird turn down a road that shall never be traveled down again.  I cleaned her off before I drove home for the holidays to avoid an incredibly awkward arrival.  I can just see it now, friendly ward members saying, "Robyn! I had no idea!  Do you need a toaster?  I have an extra one.  BTDubs, why weren't we invited?", "Robyn, I never thought this day would come!  You've always been so awkward!  Now that you're married I think it's safe to tell you that none of us thought you had a chance.  But, I mean, congratulations!" Or, "geez, that was fast!  I thought you were planning on a mission..." Or even, now this is what I imagined my parents saying, "Umm, Robyn?  Do you have something you want to tell us?"  And in the midst of their interrogations I would try to tell them, "no really, it was such a funny joke!  Hear me out, now, it's totally normal."

This is Aunt Clara now.  She looks a lot more presentable doesn't she!  I was able to explain what happened to my parents without them even freaking out!  Instead my mom laughed the whole time while I was telling the story.  I think she stopped breathing at one point.  My dad stopped breathing too, but he wasn't laughing.  He looked more shocked and then relieved.   

I felt like it was very appropriate to create a wedding announcement while we were at it though.  So there you have it.  Abby and I were almost married this morning (we all accidentally slept in) to people we don't really know much about.  Granted, after all the plans were made, Jeff and I started asking a butt load of questions to each other so we pretty much know all we need to know about a person to marry them.

  

Abby created an announcement of her own.  I think hers might just be more redneck!  And let me tell ya, mine is pretty redneck.   Little did anyone know, Matt is the fish she is holding!  And he's also the big one on the left.  JOKE!  Ha, he's the person.  I got you for a second though!

Call Me A Cow. Also, Happy Birthday to Me!

I know it's a little late to be talking about Halloween, but don't you think it's also a little bit late to be reading about Halloween?  (It is, in case you were wondering.)

I don't think I've ever mentioned on here that I don't like Halloween.  So I'm going to now...

I don't like Halloween.

There, I said it.  We were all thinking it!

I think it is creepy and of the devil.  I don't even like Halloween movies!  Or songs, or stories, or food, or decorations.  I like the real holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines Day (you don't have to be in love to enjoy it), Columbus Day, etc.  If you notice right here, Halloween isn't even a Federal Holiday.  And you know what they say about holidays, if it's not a Federal Holiday, it isn't a holiday at all.

There is actually one thing I like about Halloween.  Dressing up!  I don't mean the people that go for creepy by being a dead anything, or the bloody faced people, or the ones that think it's oh so funny to be themselves and consider it a costume.  I'm talking about solid costumes.  Like being a dinosaur with a card board tail, a smore, a shower, or the fruit from Lehi's dream.  The costumes that people take one look at and think, "my heck!  Why didn't I think of that?  I'd bet my hat they found that on Pinterest."

Anyway, at one of our ward home evenings, Abby and I marched right in, Abby was a cowgirl, I was a dinosaur.  Boom.  A guy asked me if I was a cow.  Do I look like a cow (imagine you're looking at a dinosaur)?  More than once  someone came and asked me if I was a cow.  People need to study up on their farm animals.  Cows don't have red bellies, multicolored spots and spikes down their backs.

Enough about Halloween.  Blaaah. More importantly, my birthday was last week!  Boom shakka lakka! I'm the big 1-9.  Whooo!  And I've got some great news!  I'm going to be serving a mission!

But back to business.  The other night I was getting off work and a few of my "friends" decided to celebrate my birthday.  So they waited for me to get out to my car and they all jumped out and said "Surprise!!" I screamed several times then I just cried.  Straight up cried.  This is a huge disappointment for me.  In my mind I've tried to hone my senses for something very much like this.  Except instead of three girls, its a man.  And the man isn't saying "Surprise!!" he's trying to kidnap and kill me (don't judge.)  In my fantasy I've always been able to protect myself and then I would grow so much from the experience.

This is why I was disappointed... the situation (not exactly the one I've been preparing for, but still) came up and I just cried!  How pathetic is that?!  I didn't grow from this or anything!  They did however bring a funny funny card and one of those huge posters with candy bars on it saying flattering things.  I meant to take a picture but I accidentally ate it all already.  Whoops!  So sue a girl!

I've also decided to be a Zamboni driver.  Thank you for your time and consideration and good night.  Galaxtar out.

Carving Pumpkins

Like any normal college going girls we decided to carve pumpkins!  And by we I mean Abby and Sara decided to carve pumpkins and dragged me along with them.  (It wasn't as awful as I'm making this sound..)  Naturally we had plans to go to a real life pumpkin patch and pick a pumpkin right off the vine but we ended up going to The Walmart...at 10 at night.. typical.  I picked out the most perfect pumpkin and Abby went for one with character, which apparently means dents and scrapes, McSar dropped a pumpkin and being the good soul that she is bought the damaged pumpkin.

I might have gotten out to the car a little slower than the other two so they locked me out and told me I had to do a jig.   Which was totally fair, I mean, I was walking slow!  Anyway, obviously I went ahead and started doing a jig, but then they demanded a song with it.   So I started singing the dead cat song.  It goes like this:

I found a dead cat on the side of the road

so I took it home and put some honey on it

and I cooked it and I ate it

is that bad?  Doo do do doooo

The whole time I was singing and dancing I also had my pumpkin in my hand.  I was checking my sides to make sure I wasn't making a fool of myself or anything embarrassing like that when they finally let me in.  My "friends" were laughing and laughing, gasping for air, even.  That's when I saw a group of quite attractive guys getting in there car too... turns out I forgot to check behind me for witnesses... they saw the whole thing.  They even pointed at me while they were laughing too!  

Well cool!  I'm super glad I had an audience that appreciated my performance.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I was the only one who had school the next day so that's why I was against doing the pumpkin thing.  A girl's got to sleep, ya know?!

By the time I had finished my pumpkin it was around 12:30 am, and by the time I was all ready to go to sleep it was about 1.  Abby and Sara were telling me how I was a party pooper and what not... yeah, I went to bed.  Sort of.. I watched 20 minutes of White Christmas too.  It was calling my name, so sue me! 

This is all the fun they had without me while the slow pokes were finishing theirs up.  

And this is our little village.

Oh, I accidentally killed poor Aunt Clara again.. This makes three times now.. Whoops!  But on the plus side, I got my very own set of jumper cables!  Not that I'll ever need them, I have vowed not to kill her anymore.  

A New Me

I very recently decided that I am young.  I'm young and hip and aliiiive.  And dangit, I should start acting my age.  For the longest time I've been wanting to find out I actually have a horrible debilitating disease and then not tell anyone so when I finally die a dramatic death and they all find out about it they will think, "man, all this time I thought she was just an above average joe.  But no, she actually was an above average joe that not only lived a decade longer than she was expected to, but also influenced the world for good".  With that in mind, I've compiled a list of things I want to change about myself... this motivation may or may not have spawned from a witty romantic comedy or two.

First things first, I want to be adventurous.  Adventurous in every sense of the word.

I want to start enjoying traveling and everything it entails (i.e. packing, butt long drives, unpacking, etc.).

I want to start trying new foods.  Like Indian food.

I want to go rock climbing.  Or skydiving... mmm betta not.

I want to learn how to snowboard because how fun is it to have your feet strapped to a board so when you fall over all you have to save yourself is your less than impressive upper body strength <---- scratch that.  I changed my mind.  I want to learn to ski.

I want to talk to strangers.  I guess I sometimes do that already, but from now on I'm going to enjoy it!

I want to get friends.  According to google (yeah, I googled how to make friends.  What of it?!) I am supposed to stop trying to be likable and start liking other people.  Turns out, I can see the logic in that!

I want to hitchhike to Ohio and grow a beard along the way (girls can grow beards right? Steroids? Hair plugs?)

I want to meet someone online and become really great friends and maybe even marry them.  

I want to get the guts to just do junk!  By junk I mean sing/give impressive speeches in front of a butt load of successful people.

At one point in my life I was dared to take a strangers empty fruit cup off of their tray.  Here's the fun part:  I actually did it.  What happened to the old me?  The one that threw caution to the wind and just said, "what the heck?!  Why not?  Why not hand out papers with my friend's phone number on it that says 'call me'".

For a second I wanted to work for the FBI, maybe I'll follow that hankering and become an unstoppable force.

I also started playing with the movie making thing on my compy and decided to go into movie making! Don't be surprised if you see my name on every great motion picture from here on out.

I want to grow another set of arms so I can become an unrealistically productive woman like the third wife on Sister Wives. (P.S. I didn't chose to watch that entire TV series.  It chose me.)

I want the nickname "Gutsy Rob".

Moral of the story:  I want to change pretty much everything about myself and become the person I am in my dreams.  (I do sick awesome things in my dreams.. like last night I beat a guy up.  Did I have a reason?  Absolutely not.  I just did it.)

Next time you see me I expect a double take from your end.  At first glance you'll think, "woah!  That chica has got it figured out and is living a rewarding life!" then immediately after that you'll look again and think, "wha?!! I know that girl!  I'm going to see if she'll sign my forehead!"  Right now I'm alive but I ain't livin'.  It seems like their's a song about that.  I'll google it someday.  For now, I'm going to risk my life doing something super gutsy and probably not worth dying over.  But heck, I'll do it anyway.  Why?  Because I already decided to do it and it's too late to turn back.

Tips for Stalkers

Dear fellow stalkers,

We need to talk.  Some of you are getting this ALL wrong.  Trust me, I'm a seasoned stalker, and let me tell ya, it's easier to just creep from your apartment.  But anyway, here's were you're going wrong:  Walking past your prey's humble abode 7 times is far too many.  Five times would have been fine, but 7?  Really?  It's getting tacky.  If you want them to notice you then you're doing a fine job.  But that's not the point of stalking, now is it?

Next, keep your windows closed if you're going to make commentary on the pedestrians.  Really, though... It's awkward when they hear you.

Give yourself a cover story.  You don't want to be in a situation where you have to come up with a lame excuse right on the spot for why you are looking into someone's window.  "I thought I saw my couch in your apartment" or "I'm undercover and one of your roommates is an international jewel/precious metal thief, I'm just doing a little recon." Seriously, anything believable like that will work!

Invest in a solid pair of binocs.  Don't go to The Walmart, that's not the place to be, it's too public.  Try a pawn shop.  It will set the mood for being creepy anyway.

If you're staring out your window at all the people leaving the stadium from the game and one of them shouts, "you're creepy!", that doesn't necessarily mean they are talking to you.  Also, keep the lights off if its dark outside.  They'll be able to see you from a mile away with the lights on behind you.

If the target happens to see you through the window, invite him/her for ice cream and confess that you were talking about them.  It's better to be upfront in that kind of situation.

Sincerely,
SS (Seasoned Stalker)